Deliriumtree vs. The Real World

No matter the online format there's always an allusion to the "real world" or "real life". I have trouble with this concise division. My waking world is one of ghosts and time unraveling in a slow thread pull. Life has never been short for me. It is long. It aches and groans and is filled with seconds that stretch an eternity. I struggle to fill time, to make it pass faster. Little projects stabilize me, and keep me from going mad.

A question posted by RemitanceGirl and later a blog found here had me thinking in depth on this subject today. An ocean exists between my online and offline personae. I am left stranded no matter which Continent I choose. I took the polls and has this comment to add:

"I had to read this post several times to really grasp what you were saying. In so doing I found myself voting choice 1-completely different. I see who I am online as being the real me, whether I’m on twitter, a flight of the conchords message board, writing email… the online me is the real genuine me. I don’t think of the “real world” me as even being me. I don’t know who or what that person is. I’m like white noise in real life. My hair hangs over my eyes, my hands are clasped tightly to my ribs, and I can go weeks without hearing my own voice even once. But, the me that you speak to is inside there. She’s thinking, dreaming and having conversations with people inside her mind (even though they don’t know it.). That person is trapped. She doesn’t know how to get out. It’s not even shyness. When I’m around other people it’s like thinking in a thick swamp. My thoughts are sludgy and slow. Climbing mount everest seems far easier than carrying on a conversation. I smile and nod a lot. I end up saying yes to opinions I don’t agree with, but I can’t think straight enough to even realize that in the moment. I’m completely mired in this swamp. My brain betrays me and my words are just gone. A blind panic fills my body as I try to answer a simple question. I scramble to find words, but they’re just gone! But, then I come online and it’s dry, flat lands and I can think and run fast in my mental landscape. I can follow the conversations being had. People become something that I can understand and not a rubix cube that I’m constantly turning to try to get all the pieces to line up. I don’t have to guess if someone is happy,sad or angry at me. <-That makes it all clear. I'm calm and suddenly I can think, that foggy barrier that's always there in the real world falls away and I'm no longer stuck inside my head."

My state of existence is neatly summarized in that paragraph. The "real world" is a realm where little is known about me. For many not even my occupation. They simply know I do something at a kennel. If I were to inquire,"What are some musical artists I like?" Many of you would quickly answer "Tori Amos" or "Flight of Conchords." The answer would be a knee jerk reaction, requiring little thought. However, my co-workers, of a full time job I've held for 2 plus years, would be left completely flummoxed. Not for a lack of interest. They did ask. In the beginning, people always attempt to get to know me. My body and mind betray me as stated above. I flood and drown in panic as I search for simple answers. A word, a verb, a noun? They've all fled. I transition into a computer program that's always buffering but never loads. The information simply can't be accessed. My answer ends up something invariably innocuous like "I like a bit of everything." This tidbit offered following the longest of pauses and followed with eye contact and a smile that I had to think about, not simply offer.

Socializing is a theatrical performance for me. I am continually directing in my mind. "Make eye contact, now smile and nod. Too much. Look down at your lap. Okay now back at him. Wait, what was he saying?" The concentration such an act requires leaves me piecing conversation together from fragments and context clues. Subtleties, nuance, the emotion of a voice are all things lost in the fray. The steady concentration required leaves no room for these things, let alone my actual self... I find myself intensely drained by the end of long stints of in person contact requiring solitude to reflect and recharge.

A trademark of Asperger's syndrome is inability to read faces well. Extremely high on the spectrum, I am no exception. I understand obvious cues, such as laughing, tears, and unmistakable anger- such someone punching a wall. Apart from the wildly dramatic I am left guessing. I tend to worry others are mad at me if I can't decipher a face. This exacerbates my taciturn nature and inclination to hide. I remain convinced that no one has ever flirted with me apart from a computer. I am open to the probability that I am merely missing cues. However, it is equally possible that simply no one flirts with someone that essentially a void.

Prior to the internet I had no connection to the outside world. I tried all the things experts suggest in vain. I went to church. I frequented coffee shops. I took classes for years, often with the same people. I manged to escape human bonding completely unscathed every time. I received every piece of puzzling advice. I remember being told "In order to a make a friend, you have to be a friend." When I inquired "How do I do that?" I never received follow up advice only silence or the reply of "Don't you know?" How would I know how to be something never experienced? I felt deeply flawed for not knowing.

At age 21 dial up internet access brought the first glimmer of friendship into my life. The pressure to stage direct and act was suddenly removed. I found myself able to think with astonishing clarity. If there was something I didn't understand, I found I had the courage to ask for clarification. Life online made sense. I was even able to make others laugh. For the first time in my life people were responding to me. They were happy to see me. I was able to learn and be learned about. There were handy emoticons to eliminate all guess work. Actions were suddenly spelled out such as *looks at you puzzled*. I found I was suddenly able to not only express myself, but I was able to run like a gazelle in my mental space. I was free. Liberated.

This glimmer had a shadow side. The online world is transient. It is seen as less real, less important, less tangible, rather than simply another format of communication. The "real world" often takes precedence in the lives of those you depend on for companionship, no matter how understandable, it can become a lonely waiting game at times. People began to enter and exit my life in a parade, often to disappear mysteriously. An account closed, a cessation in email, I turned the blame inward every time. I began to develop a tremendous fear of abandonment. Meeting an online friend in "real life", I found to be a perilous risk. Not for wild stories you read in the media. It became a matter of could I make the transition effectively? Could I be the real me, out loud? At times, I succeeded. It was easy and fulfilling when it all clicked. At other times I miserably disappointed those I met. My friend left with a feeling of "Where did you go?" The friendship would end soon after. What is liberating and confidence building can also be damaging and senselessly hurtful. I sometimes find myself wondering if the people I consider friends see me as expendable on some level. If I were to shut "Deliriumtree" down in all her forms. Would I be missed or simply shrugged off? People drift away from online venues constantly. It is considered the norm, to me it is sudden and jarring. A hole is torn from my fabric of my world and I am left reeling. I have people I still mourn, years later. Having a social life that exists solely in cyberspace carries a heavy weight. If I let that weight settle, the emptiness is staggering. I become all too aware that I am one of the few people who has never needed a cell phone. Why do I need to pay a monthly bill so the phone can not ring when I'm out as well as home? The temptation to dwell on such things can never be heeded.

Perhaps, it is simply a matter of quality of friends. The circle of my online friends has transitioned in the past few years. My fotc fangirls are the fiercely supportive family I have never had. Twitter is full of amazing souls who never cease to provide me with wonderful companionship, inspiration and giggles. I even have had a best friend for over a year. Someone I can tell anything to, who never judges me, but also doesn't fail to tell me when I'm wrong as well. I am making the gamble of meeting him for the first time in October. A high risk for the longest friendship I have ever had, but my hopes are high that it will be well worth it. I have even been told that I'm sexy. Me! Perhaps, it was simply a matter of finding not just people online, but the right people. There's hope for me yet.