And the bruises..
And I find myself wondering,"What is this all for? What do I have to show for all this?"
I spend so much of my life simply waiting... For it to get better. Others seem to fly in easy circles around my dreams, consuming heavily the delights. I simply watch. I feel my dreams shatter as I watch. I need to stop watching. I know deep down it can't be as easy as it looks. But, it looks so very easy.
I hatch up crazy schemes at times. Thinking this...this is the key. If I do this, try this, do more dogs.. It will get better. I can have things too. I dream too big and I crash. I crash so hard. It's so hard to reassemble myself when I do.
There are times when my only thought is... "I can't. I just fucking can't do this anymore. I won't! I'll hang myself from a tree if I have to go on like this. I just won't!"
But, I do. I always do. I move numbly making my legs work until they want to walk on their own.
I'm not envious in a text book way. A man I adore can have a thousand women. That is fine. I've lost my taste for those sort of relationships anyways. Finding friendship, is far more important to me than finding romance. It's people's lives, the places they visit, the things they do and can have. Those are the things I find myself growing jealous of. I wish for my life to have so much more in it. Just for there to be more.
I have to tell myself over and over there will be more. There will be more. Patience it's coming. I have to believe, because if I stop then there's nothing left. That tenuous belief is the string I am clinging to in my fragile web.
It's hard when that belief gets tested. Today I found myself fidgeting in blind panic for more than 15 minutes, because there were children near the part of the playground equipment I do pull ups on. I couldn't make myself go over there. I left feeling like a failure. Hating myself. Hating that I was so terrified that mere children would talk to me. Ask me what I was doing. I was shaking and I hated myself more for that.
I have to believe there will be a day when I can walk up and continue my work out routine despite the presence of others. That I won't be so afraid. That my main emotion will be happiness instead of constant choking fear. And that doors will open for me. That life will seem to have purpose and not just sometimes when my email box is full and I'm receiving a lot of tweets. My phone will ring. I'll have places to go, people to see, things to do. There will be more. There just will be.
