When you were young we had adventures.
You bit the ocean, and dug at the lake like a surface of glass.
We hiked for miles and found new things.
I remembered the joy the first time I let you run, after only a few days together.
You flew and I giggled.
You were beautiful and free.
At times, I couldn't see you at all, only weeds moving.
The beach, the woods, overgrown fields and reeds, you tore through them all,
like they were nothing.
You were speed and joy.
You came back to me.
A playful spirit even in the house.
You'd only play with another person, never a dog, never alone.
It's a myth dogs don't think we're weird.
I mean, it has to be, right?
I could see it on your face at times.
But, still, you always came back to me.
Because you were weird too.
You didn't bark and you disdained the noise of those that did.
You peed on too many of our neighbor dogs heads for me to suspect otherwise.
Your long suffering sighs spoke volumes as did your manners.
You nudged a hand, or a bowl just enough to make a clinking sound.
Sometimes a little cough or grunt, if we really didn't notice.
And once, you picked up an empty fiji water bottle and dropped it on my head to wake me.
But, you only barked if you really had something to say.
A rare surprise visitor or joy these were your only occasions to be marked with sound.
You stole from me. I didn't mind.
Even those nights I woke up cold without blankets, I could only smile.
I caught you red handed once, my covers in your mouth, your sheepish expression.
You hoarded odds and ends like a magpie.
You never chewed, never destroyed, only tucked things away under your bed.
I'll never figure out how you got my debit card.
But, I'm glad it was under your bed along with seven pairs of tweezers.
I never knew what to expect from you.
I was impressed upon waking finding you wearing my exercise bra. You almost had it on correctly.
I put it on you properly and let you wear it for a few days just to try it out until we both tired of the attention.
You typically didn't like your own kind.
You preferred humans, I preferred dogs, together it worked.
You had your moments of tolerance and your outgoing days.
We understood each other that way.
You loved food. And well...eating poop but let's not mention that.
One of your few flaws.
You lit up when you found some new flavor you liked.
Any new experience required contemplation though.
The question evident on your face, "Did I like that?"
Car rides were like running, while not having to run.
You backseat drove, grunting noises of disapproval at every long stoplight.
If you drove, we'd drive through every red light.
You were not always the cuddliest.
A little Aspie yourself, at times you needed space.
But, if you ever heard me cry you were there, always there, nose a few inches from my own to ask me why.
You came back to me.
In snow, in rain, on sunny days. You always came back.
Until you couldn't.
You fought it, but I knew, you wouldn't come back this time.
Signs screamed at me, and I walked with a no, no, no, no, no running through my head.
I poured my heart out like I do now. My favorite memories with my face in your fur.
I sang to you a little, one of my weird songs, the one to the tune of Peter Cottontail, I sang sometimes.
Even though it was inappropriate to sing, it was ours.
And I told you how much I loved you and hoped you could feel it.
I stayed with you and watched you eclipse.
At the end, I'll be alone but I made sure you'd never be.
I hugged you one last time, knowing you couldn't come back to me.
I call for you inside. Sometimes, it's a scream. I fight reality like the tides.
I can't help it.
I miss you.
There's been no friend so tangible and real as you.
No loss as great til now. I could do them all in my sleep.
They all seem so paltry and merely dust in comparison.
I'd drain their collected life force in exchange for one more day with you, if I could.
But, in this weighted sadness there's also peace.
In a dream state you told me you have friends.
I've had to try to remember who Ralph Waldo Emerson is as I struggled to wake.
Others I had to look up.
You can't come back to me.
But, I know you are somewhere else because you were always so much more than anyone would ever guess.
I have to believe, the world is too.
And so I dream of you, in all the places I'd rather you be.
