If I Was A Wrestler

I've always had an off again, on again relationship with wrestling since third grade.  The last few months I've entered another on again phase and I've been taking notice of the Divas more and more. Male wrestling gimmicks range widely from menacing to comedic.  However, the female half seems to stay on the girly and sexy side.  The tedium of this has begun to bother me, perhaps because I, myself, am so dislocated from my body.  

I know in theory, the world looks at me and sees me as female.  I often forget this as I don't see myself reflected in society.  I don't feel female, nor do I feel male.  Inside, I'm a habitation of twists of vines, lumpiness and scales.  I've latched onto the closest description that feels right.  I am a velociraptor.  I tried sexyness on once like Cinderella's glass slipper for a time.  It worked for a while, until it didn't.  Fine lines and chinks began to spread upon the facade of glass.  One day it shattered completely under the weight of self.  Now sexyness feels cloying and claustrophobic.  My tiny hands itch to open doors, and devour what's behind them, and so I do.  I can't be sexy for you.  I'm too busy eating.

It's hard not to want to see reflections in society.  Little things that you can hold and say, I understand this, all while you look through the world with me colored glasses.  Much like the things I want most in life, I have to daydream those things simply because they rarely exist.  So, today I daydreamed of being a wrestler.  It's not a terrible stretch.  Wrestling dogs, wrestling people, tomato, tom-a-to, at least, to my mind.  

I think I would be called The Hadron Collider!  I believe this to be a sensible moniker as various bodies would indeed be knocked down in collisions with me.  I'd of course be wearing a cape, at least for part of the time on my way to the ring.  I believe I would go with my summer cape, pictured here.  It's my lightest and most festive one.  Not to mention, there's dragons on it.

I don't think my ring gear would deviate too far from what I generally wear.  I would wear a different sci fi or comic related shirt each match.  The only thing I would add that I don't possess would be a retainer with headgear just for the sake of added drama.  This way if a match got really heated the announcers could say "Uh-oh, the headgear is coming off! They're in for it now!"  Then after a most devastating volley of fisticuffs I could paraphrase from Stone Cold Steve Austin and say something like "The Law of Thermodynamics says I just kicked your ass!"  Which doesn't completely make sense, but it's wrestling so it really doesn't have to.  Then after winning a match, in the most Downton Abbey-esque manner possible, I would celebrate in the ring by sipping a cup of tea. Earl Grey. Hot.  

Oh and for intro music it's probably obvious and goes without saying but...

Throw off the cape on the way to the during the really synthy part, "Science!"  If there's a videotron, there would of course be backwards walking dinosaurs.  Everything somehow looks better when you roll video backwards I've noticed.  Or maybe it just resembles my thought process, I've never been sure.

Anywho, the only question remains, are you ready to face The Hadron Collider?