Love and the Blasphemy

I shared this letter with a friend a while back as it's the perfect example of the sort of mail I receive from family on a daily basis.

Godless Hell Bound Whore,

Do you think that you are a basically good person? If you believe in your heart that you or anyone else is, by nature, basically good, then you have believed a Lie. Do you believe, as the American Declaration of Independence proclaims, that “... all men are endowed by the Creator with certain inalienable rights, and among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?” If you do, then you are wrong. The Bible teaches that we have no “rights,” because all of our so-called righteousness is like filthy, stinking rags compared to the true righteousness of the one, true G-d (cf. Isaiah 64:6). Everything that you have is a gift from G-d - not because you deserve it. What you deserve is to go to Hell because of your sinful pride and rebellion against our L-rd and His ways.

Well I love you

At some point in my life the words I love you became no more than a catch phrase used to end a familial conversation. Merely prelude and an afterthought to speech tinged with venom. I began to flinch visibly at the utterance of those words. Until one day, I ceased to react at all. I could never succumb to the idea that I should love someone simply due to random similarities in a few strands of DNA. It was expected and the unattainably of such a request marked me as impaired in my families eyes. I have often teetered on the knifes edge of instability wondering if they were right. I'm not sure I am capable of love.

I watch people's slow waltz with heartache. I unravel their intense longing with a sort of fascination. In my eyes, I see them chasing a tenuous fallacy built of shadow and whimsy. Yet, it is the one myth everyone believes. Everyone but me. I feel like something integral is fractured in my mind. I don't seek love. I flee from it. It is but a dusty dream I held as a little girl. A small glimmer of childlike hope that a family would hold her and love her. At some point, that dream shattered leaving me fragmented in a way I can not repair. I don't even wish to. Not to say I don't care for the beings drifting through my world. I care very much. I can't help but wonder if I'm somehow cheating them. My emotional expanse borders many limitations and is framed by impenetrable brick walls. Love languishes in mystery amongst the chaos of my mind, to remain an unsurprising blemish in my mental landscape. Much of life seems a quietly uttered secret, I simply can not hear. Why should love be any different? Perhaps, I simply held it too tightly. Or perhaps, as I suspect, it is simply not real.

Cars should run on Urine.

I was window shopping in Victoria's secret today and the best idea ever hit me! Cars should run on urine! Doing my best impression of a 80 year old speedwalker, I mused on this thought while enjoying a succulent, air conditioned work out. I began to think of anatomy and how men are naturally built to fill up a gas tank. Basically, they have a handy dandy hose between their legs. Yet, just how much urine would it take to run an average vehicle? How might people best get from one place to another? The most likely solution seemed to be polyandry. Women should acquire a harem of men so they might travel about freely. It was pointed out to me today on twitter that there are devices that allow a woman to pee standing up. This seemed like a good alternative for women who either do not wish to have a harem or simply need to add more pee in a pinch. We will all have to drink more fluids. This is a good thing. I wonder why the potential for this idea as an alternative fuel has not been looked into? Everyone needs to pee. Let's put it to good use! Get busy science! Yes, I do realize I'm insane. But, do it anyway!

Blog Therapy: There will be more

There are times in my life when I look at the cuts on my legs...

And the bruises..

And I find myself wondering,"What is this all for? What do I have to show for all this?"

I spend so much of my life simply waiting... For it to get better. Others seem to fly in easy circles around my dreams, consuming heavily the delights. I simply watch. I feel my dreams shatter as I watch. I need to stop watching. I know deep down it can't be as easy as it looks. But, it looks so very easy.

I hatch up crazy schemes at times. Thinking this...this is the key. If I do this, try this, do more dogs.. It will get better. I can have things too. I dream too big and I crash. I crash so hard. It's so hard to reassemble myself when I do.

There are times when my only thought is... "I can't. I just fucking can't do this anymore. I won't! I'll hang myself from a tree if I have to go on like this. I just won't!"

But, I do. I always do. I move numbly making my legs work until they want to walk on their own.

I'm not envious in a text book way. A man I adore can have a thousand women. That is fine. I've lost my taste for those sort of relationships anyways. Finding friendship, is far more important to me than finding romance. It's people's lives, the places they visit, the things they do and can have. Those are the things I find myself growing jealous of. I wish for my life to have so much more in it. Just for there to be more.

I have to tell myself over and over there will be more. There will be more. Patience it's coming. I have to believe, because if I stop then there's nothing left. That tenuous belief is the string I am clinging to in my fragile web.

It's hard when that belief gets tested. Today I found myself fidgeting in blind panic for more than 15 minutes, because there were children near the part of the playground equipment I do pull ups on. I couldn't make myself go over there. I left feeling like a failure. Hating myself. Hating that I was so terrified that mere children would talk to me. Ask me what I was doing. I was shaking and I hated myself more for that.

I have to believe there will be a day when I can walk up and continue my work out routine despite the presence of others. That I won't be so afraid. That my main emotion will be happiness instead of constant choking fear. And that doors will open for me. That life will seem to have purpose and not just sometimes when my email box is full and I'm receiving a lot of tweets. My phone will ring. I'll have places to go, people to see, things to do. There will be more. There just will be.

Acceptance

Spending a bit of time thinking about my blog yesterday. It's easy to focus on the places and events that make us feel squeamish in life, where we feel we just don't fit in for whatever reason. We don't have the right clothes, the right life style, the right thoughts, we're too different, we don't have enough money etc. There are plenty of these places in life. That feeling of not being enough is often more of an internalized thing than a reality. True shunnings are thankfully rare once out of high school. Yet, our self inflicted feelings of displacement linger and nag until we overcome them or flee the place causing our distress. But, what about the people and places that accept us? The people and places that make it easy for us. Blissful? Once and a while I feel the need for an outpouring of gratitude and this is one of those days.

I have a friend that listens and accepts me quirks and all. I can't seem to freak him out. I can just be me. He sees all that I am and builds me up. Makes me believe I'm wonderful, beautiful, creative, intelligent and awesome. That's a tremendous thing. To be encouraged and accepted for who you are. To have someone support you. That doesn't put your choices in life down, even though others have. Is instead there for you in what way they can be. It's more like a dream of friendship. Only, I am blessed to have this dream be real. It's more than I can wrap my mind around sometimes.

I have a board full of lovely women unified by music. These women have taught me to see the joy in life. I don't believe any of us fit a mold. Some of us are nerds, perhaps. I feel completely at home amongst them, something I have very rarely felt with other women and only in brief moments. With these girls I feel at home always. We encourage each other and root each other on. They are like the family I wish I had. They've given me back the childhood stolen from me by abusive relatives and dared me to dream again, to laugh and play.

I have writers in my life. Amazing expressive souls who encourage me and provide me a place in their world. One of which took the time to email with me, answer some questions. A dialog I still think on to this day and gained much from. Another which has begun an online friendship with me. He's one of those people who has an odd sunshine effect on my demeanor. He's also very encouraging and sees me as "strong." A word I have never before associated with myself.

The thread that runs amongst these people is that they are all very unique, caring individuals. It could be said that everyone has something about them that makes them special. But, I don't believe that to be true. Some people just fucking suck quite frankly. The best people in life just don't fit in boxes. These people direct us and put our focus on what is real. When all is dark we have lost sight of what is true. Our memory has slipped. People who accept us help put us back in place. Through them we realize we're worth caring about and dare we say it pretty neat.

Thank you to all the accepting wonderful people in my life. I am so happy to have met you.

Wanted: Travel Guru

For the last year I have been saving for a trip. Originally, this trip was to be fotc related. Fotc announced their tour much sooner than I expected. So my dream fell by the wayside mostly due to budget and a crisis at work. The person I was taking to the concert became a friend to me of sorts. The best friend I've ever had really. So I rebounded very fast when my fotc dreams were not to be realized. The goal of taking the trip shifted to meeting my friend. Now I'm unsure if I still have a friend. If this is true, there's really nothing for me in this trip.

However, being Aspie I am often wrong in regards to people. If it happens I am not best friendless. I have a plea.

I need a travel guru. I need someone to be the brain I do not possess in this regard. You will be dealing with a multitude of questions and anxieties. Overall your job is to guide me. Oh why put a pretty bow on it? I flat out need someone to take charge and tell me what to do. Make me your bitch! Being told what to do provides an odd comforting solace to me. I have not traveled. Not alone. I once boarded a plane but arrangements were made prior for me. Someone picked me up at the airport and drove me around. I had a couch in a home to crash on. It was all taken care of for me. This was however 15 years ago. Since being on my own I have not traveled further than my car has taken me. I have never made a hotel reservation, flight reservation...etc. I have no idea how one gets from the airport to a hotel. Bus? Walk? Hitchhike? Someone told me you can't bring shampoo on planes? Why? How do I wash my hair? Can my laptop come with me? I don't have a cell phone. How do I communicate with people if my laptop can't come. Clueless does not even describe me. Even if this trip does not happen. Even if I have lost my friend. This is knowledge I need to have as there are others I'd like to one day visit. DM me on twitter if interested. You will have your hands full! I am a neurotic mess. See neuroti-ca blog.

An Erotic Ode to Spray Cheese

Unapparent, yet fervent need. I sit quietly wanting you.

There is nothing else in this moment I desire more. My thoughts seek you out.

I imagine you hard in my mouth. Savoring the taste of your warm spray on my tongue.

I crave you like nothing else. My lust for you consumes me. Come to me...

Everything is here for you. All you could possibly need. Even whole grain crackers.

Fill my mouth and then my body. I want to taste you so badly..

Come to me you cheap fucking bastard whore! Fill me again and again.

I am ravenous. I want you so much...

spray cheese.

Neurotic-ca! (The song Madonna would have written if she was me.)

Submitted for your approval, or at least analysis. One woman, plagued by many neurosis. You have entered "The Neurotic Zone".

My top 20 list of neurosis in no particular order.

1) Clowns!! Clowns are a big one for me. I remember being approached by a clown as a little girl. He had offered to make me a balloon animal "Any kind of animal I wanted." Before I could answer, my grandmother grabbed me by the arm, drug me away and yelled "Get away from that clown, he's going to rape you!" Thus my fear of clowns was born. Plus, they're just plain creepy.

2) Needles!! There's just got to be a better way.

3) Any kind of change! We aspies like our routines and what to expect. When something changes, it shakes our whole world. I want the same thing, every time, the same way please as much as possible. Routine is comforting, change freaks me out!

4) Do not, under any circumstances watch me while I eat. I mean, ever! Please, keep eye contact with me as minimal as possible if you are my dinner companion. There's no rationalization of this one. I just generally feel judged while eating. As if people are thinking.."Yeah, shovel more food in heifer. Your ass is getting fatter by the second." Eating out, I will find a spot as far away from people as I can get. If my back is turned to the room, even better.

5) Are people mad at me? This is a big one. Overall I was not socialized as a child. Add to that, the Aspie inability to decipher people and you have one very lost person. I expend large amounts of time trying to understand others. I find I get it wrong, very wrong much of the time.

6) Magazines in the bathroom with celebrities on the cover. I always have to turn them over and if that doesn't work put a towel over the magazines. I worry that the celebrity pictured will suddenly get an image of me on the toilet if I don't do this. Just imagine, Bob Dylan, he's having a lovely meal and all the sudden "Ack! there's that girl on the toilet again! Why!!" Even though I do know that this is unlikely I prefer to spare Bob Dylan the discomfort, especially since I do have a rather small bladder. I also do not like being stared at.

7) That last bite of banana. No spider is going to lay eggs in my brain thank you very much!

8) Any large gathering of people for unknown purposes. Crowds in general make me uncomfortable. However, if I know why they are gathered together it does offer me some security.

9) Samples in stores that are handed out by people. I prefer the samples to just be free floating. I don't want to have to muster the courage to get free cheese. I would like to just have the cheese and not have to force myself to be social.

10) Confrontation. I am wet myself scared of confrontation. In a cape I do better, but not by much.

11) Too much of the color brown. I don't like the color brown in general. Large concentrations of the color brown can be very unsettling to me.

12) Certain public restrooms. If I have to go in public I prefer it to be at a bookstore.

13) Random pains. Is that cancer? Is my pancreas shutting down? Never go on webmd if you are at all neurotic. Seriously, don't!

14) Cell phones or any other cordless phone. I don't trust technology.

15) White colored vehicles. My eyes don't see white very well. A white vehicle in front of a white building can be virtually invisible to me. Not a good thing. So far no wrecks, but many near misses.

16) Centipedes. I was once told by my mother that if a centipede walks on you it will rot little holes in your skin. I have since found this to be untrue, but the repulsion to them remains.

17) Time. It's a concept I struggle with immensely. It goes at a snails pace for me. One day can seem like a week. I have to really stay on top of how much time has gone by. If forget I get panicked about bills not being paid, people who haven't written me (are they mad at me?) etc..etc.. This is a particular problem in my work. People want estimates of time their pets will be done. I am obscenely horrible at this. If forced to select a time it's chosen purely out of the air with no expertise at all. I then panic, skip lunch and end up rushing through my day to find I finished the pet 2 hours ahead of schedule. I always feel I am grooming too slowly. It is only my concept of time that makes me feel thus.

18) Food that has fallen out of it's packaging in the refrigerator. I was told as a girl any food out of it's packaging was full of worms. I can't shake it to this day. I think my family just made stuff up to keep me in line, truthfully. Very unhelpful.

19) Abandonment. Another big one! My life has been a parade of people entering and mostly exiting. I get tired of saying goodbye, so this fear pervades my every relationship with another being.

20) Very crowded parking lots. I will park in a lot I am comfortable with and walk several blocks if I have to avoid certain parking lots.